How many times, after talking to someone, have you left feeling cheerful, motivated and valued?  When that happened, have you paused, and thought about what made you feel that way?  If you did, you would have realized that the person seemed to be listening to you, and that it felt like something got off your chest.  It doesn’t have to have been a conversation where you had something heavy to off-load.   Some people have the art of making even simple interactions meaningful, because they are deep listeners.

There is also the other side, where some conversations drain you.  Even the most trivial issues leave people taking stands, opinionated and arguing till they lose the hatchet and cannot find it, even if they wanted to bury it, later.  It is an established fact that, we are living in a world that is more divided and more polarized than it ever has been in human history.   In summary, we are less likely to compromise, which means we are not listening to each other.

It’s like somewhere down the line, we have lost the balance between talking and listening, which is essential for any meaningful conversation to take place.  Conversations must leave you feeling engaged and inspired.  That’s possible only when we are ready to listen with an intent to, say, listen!

So, how do we listen?  I am sure we have all been in some or the other ‘listening’ class and have learnt about listening:

  • Look the person in the eye,
  • Nod and smile, to show that you are listening,
  • Summarize what you heard, etc.

The point is, if you were actually listening, there is no need to show that you were listening.  If you actually got the message, there is no need to summarize the message.  It’s OK if you wanted to follow the above, but they are not sufficient.  What’s required is that you actually listen, with your mind, heart and spirit.

If you fake listening, it’s going to be transparent like a squeaky-clean glass!

Here are a few things I have followed to improve my listening skills.  Hopefully these will be useful, to develop deep listening.

  1. Focus. Don’t multi task.  Stop doing whatever it is you are doing and be in the conversation.  Be present, in that moment.  If you are preoccupied with other thoughts, just get out of the conversation.  Find another time.
  2. Don’t be always right.  If your intent in the conversation is not to get a response, feedback or pushback, post a blog (like what I am doing now!).   Be genuinely interested in what the person has to say.
  3. Go with a view that you can actually learn something.  Everyone is an expert in something.  How can you tap that expertise?
  4. Be in the flow.  It is very natural that thoughts will rapidly come into your mind.  You have to let them go out of your mind.  That’s the difference between listening to say something and listening to learn something.
  5. Don’t match your experience with theirs.  Empathy is not always “reflecting the other’s views“.  Sometimes it’s best to just be silent, particularly if the conversation is on a difficult experience.
  6. Be interested in other people.  People can amaze you, if you are ready to listen.
  7. Listen, just listen!

I will leave you with what Stephen Covey said about listening:

“Most of us listen with an intent to respond, not with an intent to understand!”

Thank you for listening!