Listening to Serve

Taking a small deviation from the series on Purpose, in this article, I explore the virtue of good listening and share some tips on how to become an effective listener.

We will return to further discussions on Purpose in the next article.

Listening is one of the most neglected, but extremely effective tools in building strong relationships. A person who leaves ‘listened to’, is usually energized. How can you be the person that makes the person meeting you leave ‘listened to’? Here are some ways!

After talking to someone, how often have you left feeling cheerful, motivated, and valued?  When that happened, have you paused and thought about what made you feel that way?  Without fail, it would have been because the person you were talking to was listening to you, and you felt that something got off your chest.  It doesn’t have to have been a conversation where you had something heavy to offload.   It could have been a simple chit-chat, but still, you felt elated. Some people have the art of making even simple interactions meaningful because they are deep listeners.

There is also the other side, where some conversations drain you.  For example, we see instances where people take pole positions even on the most trivial issues, being opinionated, and argumentative, defending themselves till they lose the hatchet and cannot find it, even if they want to bury it, later. It is becoming more and more apparent that we are living in a world that is more divided and more polarized than it ever has been in human history.   We seem to be less inclined to compromise are even to consider a different viewpoint, which is very likely an effect of us not listening to each other.

It’s like somewhere down the line, we lost the balance between talking and listening, the latter being essential for any conversation to be meaningful. 

What is the purpose of a conversation? There are many. For instance, a conversation can be held with a purpose to educate, entertain, inspire, or perhaps just share or receive information. Irrespective of the purpose, a conversation must leave the people involved, feeling engaged, inspired or at least happy.  That’s possible only when we are ready to listen to each other, with an intent to, say, listen!

How do we listen?  I am sure we have all been in some or the other ‘listening’ class and have learned some things about listening:

• Look the person in the eye.
• Nod and smile, to show that you are listening.
• Summarize what you heard, etc.

The point is, if you were actually listening, there is no need to show that you were listening.  If you actually got the message, there is no need to summarize the message.  It’s OK if you want to follow the above, but they are not sufficient conditions for effective listening.  What’s important is that you actually listen – with your mind, heart, and spirit. No faking.

If you fake listening, it’s going to be transparent like a squeaky-clean glass!

Here are a few things I have followed to improve my listening skills.  I am confident that these will be useful in general to develop deep listening skills.

1. Focus: Don’t multi-task. We think we can do some ‘light’ work while we are talking to people, and thus be more efficient. This is like the confident driver who talks on the mobile while driving. It doesn’t work. We will not be efficient in the task, nor will we have listened to the person we are talking with effectively. Here’s a tip. Stop doing whatever it is you are doing and be in the conversation.  Be present in that moment.  If you are preoccupied with a more pressing situation or thoughts, just get out of this conversation.  Find another time.
2. Don’t be always right:  If you’re not interested in getting a response, listening to feedback, or even pushback, post a blog. Don’t get into a conversation. Be genuinely interested in what the person has to say.
3. Learn something: Every conversation is a great opportunity to learn, to gain a new perspective. Go with the view that you can actually learn something.  Everyone has some expertise.  Can this be an opportunity to tap it?
4. Be in the flow:  It is very natural that thoughts will rapidly come into your mind, as you are listening, creating a need for you to share them. The more we hear the other person talk, the more our urge to respond increases, making us pounce the moment the other person stops. Instead, let go of your thoughts consciously. Soak in everything the person is saying intently. Wait till the other person finishes. If you are a good listener, you will know when your space is to open your mouth. At that point, if you truly have something that can add value, share it. Else silence is good enough in response. That’s the difference between listening to say something and listening to actually listening.
5. Avoid the “I Know”: Don’t try to match your experience with theirs. Because they are truly not the same. Empathy is not always “reflecting the other’s views “. It depends on the situation. Read the situation. Is the person grieving deeply? In that case, don’t say, “I know how you feel”. Because actually, you don’t.  If you truly want to empathize with the person, say, “Is there anything I can do to help?”, or something that will show you truly care.Sometimes it’s best to just be silent, particularly if the conversation is about a difficult experience the other person is going through.True empathy is being interested in other people and their welfare. And you can gain amazing insights, if you truly listen, giving you the opportunity to be of help. You will be amazed if you are willing to listen.Listen, just listen!

Stephen Covey said, “Most of us listen with an intent to respond, not with an intent to understand!”

I will go one step further and say that it is not even enough if we listen to understand. We need to listen to be of use.

Thank you for listening!